"When I was a young boy, I used to have feminine traits. The seniors in my community would call me a Mauga. In my community, Mauga is used as a derogatory term to belittle and humiliate someone from the LGBTQ+ community. I was loved dearly in my family. Maybe that was the reason I never felt the need to react and retaliate to the cruelty of outsiders. However, I wanted my femininity to go away. When I completed my grade 5 and left home for boarding school, I started losing my femininity. I attributed this change to the company of the boys in the hostel. Although I felt relieved, it was during the same time, I was gradually discovering that I was attracted to the same gender. Even though I had started having these feelings, I was uncertain of my sexuality. For a long time, I just brushed off my feelings. But I knew I could not hide from myself nor shy away from who I wanted to be. I started reading a lot about the LGBTQ+ community which helped me understand more about myself. Today, I realise that it takes time to discover one’s sexuality.
I had participated in Mr. Gay pageant. This was a public event. I was reluctant but since I had made a commitment I went ahead. Little did I know that I was going to win. I was praying that I did not win. Once public, I would have to confront my family. I was not ready at the time. After winning the pageant, I switched off my phone. I came to know that my father had found out. Not long after that, I went home. I had to answer my father’s questions. I was not going to hide anymore. 'Why couldn't you keep to yourself? Why did you have to make such matters public?', he said. I expressed to him the turmoil of living life inside a closet. I told him about how it is this 'shame' that has destroyed the lives of many people. My father just listened and that was the end of it. The whole incident made me think a lot. I thought of my friends who were LGBTQ+ but due to fear of being ostracised have not been able to openly express their gender identity and sexual orientation. I have friends who constantly share with me their fear. And I understand the pain they go through day in and day out. What does the future hold for us? Will there be a day when families and societies accept us without questions and doubt? Will we have a future that is free? "
(Manindra "Manil" Singh, Sarlahi)
