(Part 2/3) “After a year, I left school and returned back to India. This was when my depression started. I had become alone in the crowd. It was labour work and it required physical strength. I did all kinds of work and was paid less. But I had left the village in the hope that one day the city would give me a life that I had wanted. It did not happen. Every day, my hopes started to diminish as I toiled day and night to make ends meet. I would come to my room and tears would fill up my eyes. I hated having to wake up in the early hours at the howling of the dogs and go to work. I knew this was no way to live. Although my salary was increasing, deep in my heart I was lonely. The money never brought happiness. From Rs 2000, It increased to 3000 and to 5000 and then after 10000. By then, I had become an unhappy adult. I looked for happiness in intoxicants.

It was when I had returned home for a break, Father and Mother said that it was time for me to get married. They told me that there was a girl. But I had seen a girl I liked and I told them that I was only going to marry her or stay single. They agreed and I was married. I was happy. Now that I was married, I would have company. I would have someone with whom I could unload my chest. I would leave the bad habits and be a family man. A new hope had emerged. I returned home and after some time we had a daughter. I was doing manual labour and I was happy. But the loneliness somehow crept back. I had responsibilities but I had no resources. I went back to my old habits. Smoking and drinking. I would come home and would see that my wife was unhappy for obvious reasons. But I could not make myself stop. Time passed and our relationship deteriorated. When my daughter was able to eat on her own, my wife left me. I realized love was not enough for life. I realized love also destroys. I did not stop her. If leaving me and going back to her parents made her happy, she had the right to live her life as she pleased.

From that day, I cut down on my bad habits. I stopped smoking and drinking. I did it very seldom. Because my wife had left me I also became someone who was made up of and pointed fingers at. “He could not even keep his wife”, “What a useless man, this guy is.” I kept quiet, went to work, cooked for my daughter, and when I was tired slept on the floor beside her. I love my daughter and she was my responsibility now. I had the realisation of my shortcomings. I wished I could have done things differently. But things that are done cannot be undone. We were legally separated.”

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