(Part 2/2) “That night I ran away from the city. I tied my daughter on my back, held my son’s hand and ran, never to return again. I somehow reached another town. I know that I could get to Kakarbhitta from this town but I had no money. So for more than two weeks, I begged. I collected what I needed and arrived in Kakarbhitta and then in a few days to Kathmandu.

Even though I had returned home, my room was locked. The rent was overdue and my landlord had locked it. I had no choice but to let the streets take me. I walked during the day with the two kids and slept in alleys and pavements during the night. I would feed my children if anyone offered me food. Sometimes, I would wash dishes in the local hotels and get some money with which I bought food for the kids. There are many occasions I slept under a Peepal tree. In my loneliness, the traumatic events of my past started to speak to me. It was all inside my mind. I felt I was going mad. I felt other people thought I was mad. This made it worse. I tried to focus, I tried to weep away my sorrows and forget the ordeal of my past. I tried and tried but I would collapse on the dirt, back to the despair. It has possessed me. I felt like a different entity than the humans around me. I felt my life was a different one and that there wasn’t anyone like me. That was the only thing that occupied my mind. I was alone. And there was no one like me. The sufferings in this world are all mine. 

One day a woman walked past me. She saw me with the kids, gave me a job at her house and looked for a room for me. She put in a stove, some furniture and food. I will never forget this kind-hearted woman. It was also during that time I met with a woman who had been trafficked and rescued. She had put a complaint against a man who had trafficked her. I found out that this man and the man who sold me and my children in India were from the same group of human smugglers. This woman suggested I also report what had happened to the police. I did and there were a few organisations that helped me put this man in jail. We went to court. Not just the man but the whole gang of woman traffickers were given their due sentences. Some got 10 years and some twenty and some are absconding. Even though I got some justice, my life had changed – irreversibly. 

However, I now had people who would listen to my story. People whom I could trust. People who were there to protect me. People who would not sell me, kidnap me or hurt me. I felt safe in this space. Although I had episodes of deep depression, I avoided taking medications. The routine counselling was helping me. However, coming back to a normal life is not easy. Especially when you have to start everything from the beginning and with two kids to take care of things sometimes would be unbearable. Although I had support, I had no money, no land, no house, nothing. I could not sleep at night. There was a lot of fear. How was I going to raise the children? Sometimes, I thought of suicide but I would ignore such thoughts. I could not abandon my children in this cruel world. I kept fighting with my thoughts like they were enemies in the hope that someday I would win over them.

Just before hopelessness, just before misery, someone would find me and lift me up. I found people who helped me financially. People who helped me with accommodation. An organisation that took my daughter in. I felt like there is good in this world.

Times has passed and my children have grown up to become teenagers. I can see them every day. It has been fifteen years from the time I was sold. Although I walk and talk normally, I had a burden in my chest. It gives me headaches sometimes. And sometimes I forget my way back home from work. Dark thoughts come and go. And there are times when I do not want to hear someone speak, times when I do not like any one’s presence, times when I just was to coil in the corner. Sometimes I do not want to eat for days and sometimes I wake up in the darkness of the night and cry out of hunger. Even the shrine in the wall scares me. 

I told this to the mams I knew. They suggested me to see a doctor and reluctantly I did. The doctors advised me to take medications. He listened to my symptoms and I felt understood what I was going through. Even though the doctor had suggested I take medications, I was a bit hesitant. I did not want to take medicines. I thought counselling would cure me of my ailment. I felt the more I share my story the more it was going to cure me. Against the advice of the good people around me and while the problem still persisted, I declined medications. you have to understand that it was my heart that would not be convinced. But the bad thoughts did not leave. And, I have started taking medications now. And after a long time, I have started feeling some relief. The mental agony does not stretch on for weeks as it would. Although there are times when I still feel down, there are some days I feel normal. Normal as I can be. I will accept that. I have to live with it.”

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Stories of Nepal x Health Foundation Nepal